A Point Of Change:

Something is about to shift in my life, I can feel it.

Yesterday marked 1 week since I found out, 10 min before I arrived at my clinic, that a colleague had died in a suspected suicide.

There are many questions, and few answers. But the days since have been heavy, clarifying and raised deep questions for me.

The hardest thing beyond the grief and shock, has been working in a system where one is expected to “just carry on.” I was still expected to work that day - I could not. We work in a caring profession but have such little ability to care for ourselves and one another.

10 years as a doctor and the system has grown worse and worse, unkinder and unkinder. So much feels performative.

In the haze since, I’ve wondered whether this is really a system I’m willing to keep being a part of.

Do I subscribe to eternal performance?

Is this my most authentic life?

I don’t share this for pity or concern, I share it as a human stream of thought.

At what point do you walk away from something you have spent most of your life building towards and shaping your identity on (I decided i’d pursue being a doctor at age 10, I’m now in my early 30s).

What does it take to build again?

Hard questions but whatever it is, I think my next chapter is going to be mind blowing. Something has got to change.

God knows what’s next.